What Is Low Desire, Really?
We often think low desire means we don’t want intimacy at all—but often, it’s more about not wanting specific sexual activities like penetration, oral, or a certain kind of touch. You might still crave closeness, connection, tenderness… just not that kind of sex.
So many of us have internalized the belief that something is wrong with us if we don’t “feel like it” all the time. We live in a world where sex is often defined in narrow, rigid ways. Intimacy is expected to follow a specific script: flirting, kissing, penetration, orgasm.
If you don’t follow that path, something’s wrong. If you don’t want what your partner wants, something’s wrong. If your body doesn’t respond on cue—then something must be wrong with you. But what if intimacy doesn’t have to follow a script at all?
The truth is that intimacy can look completely different for each of us. It doesn’t have to include penetration. It doesn’t even have to include orgasm. For some people, intimacy might look like making out for an hour. Or oral sex without anything else. Or dry humping (don't underestimate the power of humping :). It might be passionate kissing, cuddling, or simply lying naked next to each other, breathing slowly, skin to skin.
We need to stop defining intimacy by penetration or climax. Instead, we can start defining it by what brings us alive.
This means getting curious about what you actually want—not what you think you should want. What does your body crave? What kind of touch makes you feel safe, desired, connected? What do you want to experience—not what your past partners expected, not what porn shows, not what culture tells you sex is “supposed” to be.
And then—can you allow yourself to fully relax into those moments of erotic connection? This, too, can be a challenge. So many of us have learned to perform during sex, to focus on how we look, how we sound, how our body is being perceived. Or to give pleasure to our partner. Sex becomes something we do, not something we feel. Which means we rarely drop into the slow, sensual, deeply embodied pleasure available in those moments.
To get there, the first step is removing the shame—about what you want, what you don’t want, or how your body responds. About the fluctuations in your desire. The next step is coming back to your body. Not just during sex, but in everyday life. Then - coming back to your senses and to what feels pleasurable in everyday life. Start noticing what lights you up, what turns you on, what opens your body rather than shuts it down. Sensuality is not just about sex—it’s about how we touch the world, and how we let it touch us. And once you’re back in that relationship with your own sensual self, you can begin to ask for what you truly want. Not just what you’ve been taught to want.
Here are the steps in detail:
1: Accept Your Desire and its fluctuations
Shame around sex is something so many of us carry, almost always in silence. Maybe your desire doesn’t look the way it’s “supposed to.” Maybe you have fantasies and desires that scare you or feel too taboo to share. Maybe you learned that sex is something dirty, or that you shouldn’t masturbate if you're in a relationship. Maybe you believe sex is just about penetration and orgasms (even if you struggle with both).
These beliefs are almost always driven by shame. And they’re usually not even ours. We absorb the idea that only certain desires are acceptable—or that we should want sex as often as our partner. And when we don’t, shame takes over and disconnects us from our desire, pleasure, and erotic energy.
But changes in desire are normal. A lot of us have responsive (not spontaneous) desire and we need certain stimuli, context, connection to actually experience desire.
2: Embody Pleasure
Our relationship with our bodies deeply affects how we experience pleasure. Insecurities make us self-conscious. That self-consciousness turns into distraction or dissociation during intimacy. A lack of embodiment keeps us disconnected from the very sensations that bring us joy.
Embodiment and body acceptance are essential to igniting erotic energy and being present in sex. When was the last time you felt fully in your body? Maybe it was during a warm shower, while dancing, or simply slowing down your breath. These little acts of presence remind us: your body is a source of connection and pleasure.
Learning to enjoy your body as it is—without waiting for it to change—is a powerful way to deepen your intimacy, not only with partners but with yourself.
3: Unlock Your Sensuality
We’re taught to hide our erotic energy. To suppress it. To fear it. We say: “It’s not the right time.” But the more we suppress it, the harder it is to access.
Unlocking desire starts in the small moments. Fantasizing while lying in bed. Reading that spicy novel on the bus. Flirting for the joy of it. Touching yourself with presence—not to “get it over with,” but to explore.
When you allow sensuality to be part of your everyday life, it becomes easier to access your desire. To feel it and to play with it.
4: Discover What You Really Want
For many of us, intimacy often revolves around our partner’s pleasure, satisfaction, and needs. In the process, we forget to ask ourselves what we want—and that can lead to boredom or a dip in desire; Emotional or physical disconnect; Pressure to perform or constantly meet your partner’s expectations.
Do you know what truly turns you on? What kind of touch or pace or energy excites you? Do you even enjoy penetration? Or do you crave deeper foreplay, or a longer build-up? Are you longing for passion, surrender, intensity—or soft, slow affection?
Maybe there are fantasies or dynamics you’ve been afraid to name, but your body whispers them anyway. Discovering your desire means asking the questions. It means making space for the things you do want—not just the ones you’ve tolerated or accepted.
Desire needs embodiment, discovery, and presence to ignite. It requires curiosity and willingness to explore what actually turns you on—not just what you’ve been told should.
It isn’t a switch you flip on or off. It’s a living, breathing thing. It changes. It asks you to listen. It wants your presence, not your performance. And when you give it space, curiosity, and care—it starts to speak again.
If you want to dive deeper into your desire and discover what you truly enjoy - join my free 10 days journey REDISCOVER YOUR DESIRE
